I'm not sure what i was looking for within the sky. I knew planes were flying overhead and an airport was just on the other side of the freeway. There always seems to be some sort of push that I need in order to move forward and be creative. I speak so much about my desire to do more but the very moment more is presented, I think that it's far easier to hide in the shadows.
This past weekend, I mentioned to one of my favorite and closest souls on this planet that I was feeling lost. As our conversation progressed, I remember attempting to explain that I have thought about why we do all of the things we do or at least attempt do in order to make others and ourselves feel good. Over the course of the past few months, I've definitely had dark thoughts and wondered if any of this life stuff is truly worth it. For me, as quickly as I've thought about giving up, I've also realized that our brains tend to play game of sorts on our spirits.
Truth be told, a world without me, would still spin around its axis. The people who know me would be devastated or for the lack of a better term, thrown for a loop. It's within this space which I've sat, both devastated and thrown off of my axis, at times wondering what if I had the strength to end it all. Our actions can create a butterfly effect which we never thought possible but this needn't be only felt upon our departure from this planet.
As I stood crying, attempting to not overly think about the past, I found myself within the present. The reasoning for the heartache is selfish and I know enough about myself to understand, there are times when closure is vital. I'm ignorant to feel as though I'm the main person who needed a goodbye. There are so many areas within my life that could use a final something, yet here I've sat wondering if I could leave this earth much like I leave most gatherings... quietly.
I'm unsure if I've paid too much attention to the month of June before; I mean my parents anniversary is in June, one of my best friend's birthday is in June, and life begins anew in June.
For as heavy as the pressure might feel from time to time, I hope to maintain the strength to say things aren't okay if they're not, I hope to cry without feeling unmanly/guilty; in the end I hope to be honest.
There was something super special about catching this plane fly through the shadows. Perhaps you can tell me what you see too, when and if we have a chance to meet again soon.
Pray for me and I'll do the same for you.