Inside Looking Out...
Since the start of the 2020 pandemic, I've truly attempted to keep both my mind and body in proper working shape. In mid to late February, I was a bit sluggish in personality and weight, perhaps I'm sensitive to the weight aspect of things due to the fact I was a decent athlete at some point in life, with time and injuries eventually slowing me down. I think my mind has always been sharp, maybe a little too sharp in some areas but sharp nonetheless, yet there is so more room for growth.
Much like the picture for this blog, I feel as though I'm on the inside looking out at all that's taking place around us, taking place around me. To be honest with you, being on the inside stinks a bit times. Now more so than ever, I find myself asking, "When did we grow up, when did this life stuff start to get a bit heavier?"
I've eluded to it from time to time that harder decisions are on their way and that scares me, as I'm unsure if I'm strong enough to lead or truly lend a mature voice when the time comes.
Yesterday was a difficult day and I found myself sitting quietly in corners, crying a bit, it seems to be par for the course, a weekly reflection of the journey which I've been on for a few decades now. This isn't meant to be a sad post, it's just what I'm feeling at the moment, so I'm working through the superficial and trying to be honest and real.
There are probably many people whom I can turn to while in time of turmoil but there are very few I can be vulnerable with so IF you're reading this and you've seen or heard me cry as of late, "Thank you for loving me, flaws and all, I'm doing my best".
To be honest, there seem to be a few moving parts these days which have me hoping that I'm on the right path. I'm unsure how many of you set out to accomplish a task and said task is so close but it freaks you out to believe that it's real. No, I'm not getting married, calm down (that's for my aunt viewing from Ireland)!
It truly surprises me that I've sat down at this computer and written as much as I have this year; in years past I wasn't as dedicated or perhaps I didn't have the clarity to share much. Like my brother Nicholas has said for years, "Imagine if you just set your mind to doing one task over and over again for a year, think of how polished and strong you'll become..." I wish my task was writing instead of being at peace with myself, again, I'm not doing badly but I know that I have room to grow.
I have a few people who push me to be better and to you, I say, "Thank you". The goal of 1,000 pushups a week and 500 sit-ups a week might help tone up this summer body of mine. No woman wants an old, sluggish, balding, graying, baggy jhort wearing guy following them around the store, well, there are some who are okay with it, maybe it's Walmart standards. I wasn't taking a swing at Walmart and their dress code policy, I rarely shop and I've never worn my pajama bottoms past my front door. I digress.
As we walked towards the barn, I noticed that it was once a barn which housed chickens, it had a smell which was familiar. Again, disclaimer, I have a bird phobia. This barn had some neat angles to shoot from outside with the sun as a strobe light and the building being used as a proper backdrop. It took a bit of courage to actually walk into the barn due to the fact random birds had made their nests within the rafters of the structure and they were flying out at times, whilst we were attempting to find our way inside the building.
Once inside the barn, I walked to an opening that was simple yet beautiful in my mind. For some time now, I'd wanted a silhouette picture in black and white and my imagination kept telling me that said picture would be something different, something nice.
From the inside looking out, there's a busy world with plenty of moving parts, however the true magic is closer than we can see. Sometimes, it's okay to take a step backwards in order to see where the light is, see where the magic is within the room so to speak. Within my gloom, I'm reminded of the beauty which exists, I'm reminded that even the smallest holes can shed the greatest light.