Just Say It...
Man, there are a few things which I wish I could say to a few people; a few words of pettiness, a few words of honesty, and two words of retribution. The retribution part is my pain body speaking because the long and short of it is I really do not need to engage in anything that isn't in the present.
It's tough at times isn't it, allowing things to slide? There is a huge part of me that has been fighting for some form of notoriety for who knows how long. My problem is I'm overly humble and far too many times my apparent lack of caring to be "the man" has led to other people gaining accolades which they really do not deserve.
For a guy whose lexicon is rather robust, I find myself slinking into a realm of shyness and silence more often than not. IF I would only say what's on my mind when it's on my mind and not allow moments to drift and subsequently fly away.
My life is neither complex or boring, I think there's a perception that I'm forever on the move doing something. The truth is, I'm forever thinking far too much about the next steps I need to make in order to fall forward in life. The idea of stumbling forward is better than the idea of falling backwards and laying there, where there is, unconscious. Yes, yes, I know, I can still knock myself out falling forwards too, however, I like to think I'm still agile enough to roll out of real injury. Perhaps I should reevaluate this sentiment, given the fact I've recently injured my Achilles playing pickleball (don't @ me).
The adage of trust your gut is something that rings too true to me but I often find myself feeling overly insecure to open my mouth and say, "Excuse me, are those the spring 2015 Air Max 1 colorways..." I kid, this is greater than shoes.
I've been overlooked and passed up for a number of years now but it's solely my fault for these actions taking place. One of my closest friends always tells me not to beat myself up over life/work but I'm sitting here tonight wondering if I'm doing this all incorrectly.
A Bible verse has come to mind and I'm trying to apply it to my life:
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart
Lean not on your own understanding
In all thy ways acknowledge Him
And He shall direct your path"
I can really care less if people are into religion or not, this is where I sit and I'm the last one to throw a Bible at anyone, I'm still being worked on daily. This working on is so pivotal, so key, for my maturation.
A few days ago, I told someone that I thought I was broken, and incapable of finding love or happiness. Look, get yourselves and good therapist and a comfy couch, you'll find truth after your first bill and before your next appointment. The worst part of holding back and not saying what's on my mind is, I sit within this space and wonder why I never opened my mouth when I had the chance to do so.
The last thing I am is loud, the first thing I am is sincere. Over the course of this pandemic, I've found that there is a level of strength that I didn't know I possessed; my goal is to harness said strength and JUST SAY what's on my heart and mind, more so than I've been doing.