Love, I'm Fading...
Tonight, I find myself tired and fighting through a few emotions, it's interesting how the nighttime always brings out certain emotions which must be identified before they morph into unwanted moments of gloom. I'm unsure if any of attempt to keep things together in order to not be perceived as being fragile or emotional; this has been my life for the last forty plus years.
It's exhausting being afraid to look like a failure in the eyes of peers or family, I've always tried to maintain a perfect image because of the imperfections which rest beneath the shell so many have grown accustomed to. No, this isn't a confessional, I haven't done anything crazy other than sit in a way tonight and listen to the hands on the clocks which hang on my wall, oh, and I've heard my heartbeat as well. I'm not sure which will stop beating first though, they're both running on batteries which will not last forever.
For the last five years and change, I've sat down to write thoughts within this blog, thoughts which are abstract and not reviewed for correction; when I hit the publish button, I tend to close my laptop and my eyes.
This world is heavy and I'm feeling the effects of it now in the final hours of this day. I'm unsure how I've made it to today, I'm unsure how I've held my tongue and emotions in place for so long, in 2020. Wait, I did mention that whole facade of trying to be perfect and such. Perhaps I've found it to my advantage not to say much about how I truly feel inside as my thoughts have always been that less is more.
I'm surprising myself daily, though, I'm surprised that in my moments of uneasiness, my moments of loneliness, I've found a way to rise up and find that little light at the end of the tunnel. Now, might be a good time to thank those of you who've provided a shoulder to cry on, to thank those of you who have shared time, laughter, food, and love with me, I wouldn't be here without you. Is there a way to say, "I love you..." and not make it weird? I dislike hugging, so I'll fist-bump and say it again, "Thank you for providing me energy which I do not possess on my own".
Tonight, I'm fading a bit, I'm understanding that there are seasons and I'm within a season unlike any I've been in before, during my time here on this planet. Please forgive me if I'm silent or non committal to so much, I'm fading a bit, my light isn't burning as bright as it should, currently.
I'm in need of a little time, a little peace, a little love, and a little reflection. As I looked in the mirror tonight, I saw myself in what seems to be the first time in a while; I looked tired, stronger than I'd remembered, but missing something, perhaps that spark in my eyes, that mischievous look I've carried since childhood. There's no part of me that's perfect and hopefully tomorrow, if I'm blessed with a tomorrow, will afford me a chance to start preparing for hibernation, self reflection, a new set of emotions.
IF you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, please know that you are not alone, IF you're feeling a bit lonely know that you're loved, and if you're feeling a bit antsy, know that stillness heals too.
"Love, I'm fading, tell me something unique, tell me something, anything, but more importantly, tell me you'll still care when I awake".