My Pot Of Gold...
A few days ago, I used Instagram's video feature to speak with my cousin, in Denmark. She had sent me a message which simply read, "Hiiii, how are you". For some strange reason, I was led to see if I could reach out to her in order to gauge her energy. It's strange isn't it, sometime those who need a fair amount of comforting are the very ones who can feel other's struggles/pain.
When our phones finally connected and I saw her face, she said, "I was just on my way to bed..." and of course I hit her with the big cousin remark of, "What's bothering you, cousin?" For the next fifteen minutes or so, I watched her eyes dance and I heard both strength and apprehension within her voice. Her spirit was searching and I understood this all too well as my spirit is one of a nomad it seems.
There weren't any references of missed love or longing for someone else, instead, she'd lost sight of the beautiful person which is creative and smart, fun, and soft spoken, fashionable, and adventurous. At times we all need to be reminded of this, at times all we want, at the end of the day, is someone who will take the time to listen and ask questions. The power of someone being present is amazing.
As we said our final goodbyes, I sat in my car for the better part of twenty minutes listening to the raindrops as they feel against my windshield and hood of my car. I wondered what I was chasing and what my pot of gold will look like when this life thing is all said and done.
A few years ago, I had a pretty serious bout with feeling as though I was not adequate enough to roam this earth of ours; my emotions were all over the place because I didn't have a sense of peace within my daily routine. I would wake up and drudge through my morning, afternoon, and evenings, I was wreck and instead of calling for help, I attempted to do everything on my own.
One day, I was taking pictures and I found myself at the top of a bridge and told myself that this is it, "Jump man, no one is going to notice, no one is going to care". The problem with that rhetoric was I noticed and deep down inside me, I knew I cared, and others would as well if I took my life. You know the story would read, "Family and friends had no idea he was sad, he seemingly had the world before him, it seemed as though he'd found his pot of gold".
The start of 2020 has been ROUGH to say the least, I'd even say, mentally taxing; what was is no longer and the new norm still has yet to be written. There are so many of us searching for that one person who will simply listen and ask questions, who will love us unconditionally through out conditions.
You want to know what's on the other side of that damn rainbow? I believe it's love, patience and peace which we need to have for ourselves and for others too. As I write this, I'm transparent enough to admit that I have gloomy days, still, but I also have learned to try to reset and breathe (both long and short breaths) in order to remind myself that I'm still alive. I'm not looking for forever with another, as much as I'm looking for now within me. Our here and now, will shape our future, if we're blessed with one.
Many of us need to read this: "You're loved, now freaking love yourself too... The rainbow is before you, you might need to drive a bit to find it tho"