That's Me In The Corner...
The group R.E.M. had a few smash songs to say the least, Losing My Religion being one which still brings a smile to my face. In 1991, I was sophomore in high school, without any real cares in the world. The only worries I had, were doing well in school, Nintendo, and sports. There wasn't an option to deviate from those three things, they were all vital to me.
My high school friends were all more "mature" than me, they had cars, CD collections, cable tv, and cool shoes. There was one kid in particular, who had every pair of Jordans that came out during our entire high school run. I couldn't say that I was jealous but in many regards I was jealous because the guy would rock these joints but he couldn't even dribble a basketball. Shoot, I remember being excluded from sleepovers because I wasn't cool enough; I mean can you believe that, me, a 5'2" kid in the middle of puberty not being good enough for others.
It wasn't until my junior year, when I sprouted a bit as a person. The personality I've been gifted with has always been "funny" (my sister Cel just rolled her eyes) but during the '91 - '92 season, I blossomed into something else. Again, there was no real pressure on me and I was such a squeaky clean, squarebear type of kid, no one bothered think I wanted to venture off and actually be someone in the future.
The private school which I attended, never helped prepare me for the real life, that I would be forced to live, once I moved my tassel from the "We still own you" to the "You're good to go, bro". I entered the "real world" with a ton of interscholastic awards that couldn't be used within spaces which felt uncomfortable. For years, I was unable to identify with others because I as so sheltered from everything, i.e., music, movies, drugs, alcohol, parties, etc.
Most of you will never understand the trauma that comes along with being an immigrant child. It's not to say that I knew more than my parents, however, it is to say that I saw the world for what it was and not what my parents would've liked me to believe. In retrospect, IF I could tell my younger self something positive, it would be don't get old wondering if you've lived out most of your dreams.
Earlier today, I asked one of my closest people, "What if this is it, what if it's our last day..." I don't know why that question makes me feel a way but then again I do understand. I go back to June 18th, 2020 two days before my buddy ended his life, I wish I'd asked more questions but there was this shy dude who was sheltered from so much, who just observed in order not to the squarebear.
Now, I find myself locked within a space which I've created for myself, a space that is familiar, though uncomfortable. We all have peaks and valleys within our lives but
THAT'S ME IN THE CORNER That's me in the spot-light Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I've said too much I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper, of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on you Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool Oh no I've said too much I set it up
Consider this Consider this the hint of the century Consider this the slip That brought me to my knees, failed What if all these fantasies come Flailing around Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream That was just a dream
- R.E.M.
