That's Me In The Corner...
Earlier today, I read a story about someone who had taken their own life, due to the burdens they were carrying over the course of who knows how long. As I sat and read their apology to friends, family, coworkers, and others, I couldn't help but think about the pain that this person was going through whilst they penned their goodbye.
The truth is humans have been committing suicide since the turn of time and the act isn't going away, ever. For me, as I've said often, "It's not when but how we go, that leaves people either feeling okay or lost as to the why". The story of this person's demise is definitely a complicated one which I have zero desire to get into at this time.
There was a picture however, a picture of said person taking a selfie in front of a mirror. I've always wondered if people can see their light before they cross into such a place of darkness; then again, to them there might be a light who knows.
Being lonely or perceiving that we're alone is a heavy thing to deal with. Many years ago, I learned that one can be lonely within a room filled with people. Recently, I've attempted to remind myself that it's okay to sit within a space of loneliness; no one can save me except for me. There is a sense of truth, that others can help fill said void of loneliness but what happens when those voices/people are gone to take care of the lives they're meant to lead.
My days, within the office, are spent in silence for the most part. I have buddy who checks in with me daily for ten to fifteen minutes and then it's hours of music in the background and eyes forward, glued to a monitor that captures my thoughts and emotions. One of the group chats I'm tied to, begins with "F work..." on some days and I sit and think about what life would be like for those very people if not for work. After a day of quiet within my office and then subsequent quiet at home, I find myself looking in a mirror and wondering what all this is for, this grind day in and day out.
The life I lead isn't complicated at all, I'm definitely more happy than I am sad, these days. I've worked to find a place of peace, "Thank you, Ryan Holiday, who would've thought reading a book or four would help so much". It's without fail, I go to bed late, however, before doing so, my mind runs through various scenarios which leave me feeling lonely. More often than not, I sit with phone in hand...
I've grown to dislike four of the five pillows on my bed, I dislike my mattress, I dislike the size of my bed (ONLY BECAUSE I WANT A CANOPY BED... oh and a bell too just because), I dislike the clocks that I can hear on my wall, as their hands move about, and most importantly I dislike the darkness, though I sit in it quietly for hours on end.
Okay, okay, okay, no I'm not sitting in a dark room rocking back and forth, on the floor, but I do find myself sitting, with the television on, no sound, many a times. My main interaction comes during a window which isn't set by me; when forgotten there, as well, I remember just how quiet things are within my world.
People always see us from the outside, never understanding what drives us, stirs, from within. To quote R.E.M. "That's me in the corner...." the spin is I'm not losing my religion, I'm just evaluating how much patience and time I have.
This evening, I mentioned that I'm overly nice to others, in the hopes of the same kindness being reciprocated. Maybe, a change in energy is needed or simply understanding that even within the darkness, one can still shine.