The Reality Is...
I didn't sleep but for maybe two hours last night and for some strange reason I'm sitting here in front of this laptop readying myself to share some type of story with you all. My dad would have my neck if he knew I wasn't resting properly and my mum would probably lecture me on the importance of sleep and what it can do for ones health. Now, me, since I'm the one battling my thoughts and heart at the moment, I choose to chalk up the poor sleep to the realization that sometimes things just don't add up the way we'd like them to.
It was close to 4am, this morning, when I started perusing through sappy songs and making myself sad for no reason at all, I mean save the fact I was set to leave my house in order to take a drive and clear my head and heart a bit. Isn't it funny that the two major components of our bodies which help to keep us alive can also be the two major components which can kill us slowly as well.
We use phrases such as, "I love you..." in order to convey to another person that we're supportive, loving, and present; we use it in so many instances I feel as though it's almost as automatic as getting too many napkins in a takeout order; like why are there so many napkins in here.
As I've had the opportunity to sit and reflect a bit, I've come to the realization that I'm no closer to understanding love today than I was when I was a child. The adage that nice guys finish last is something that's playing in my head simply due to the fact that so many people within this world are jaded by their pasts. The idea of being open and honest about feelings is looked at with great hesitation and uneasiness. Maybe I'm naive to think that at the age of, whatever age I am, I'll forever be just here, standing, sitting, a shadow of myself (the picture below made me do it).
An acquaintance once told me to never write about love because it's a topic which is so misunderstood so I've continued to write about life, a topic I have zero idea how to master. Tonight, I find myself wanting to share a story so unique that I could even start receiving 'Dear John Letters'; look mum, I've made it!
The very first girl whom I remember liking was a girl named Yeah Right, as in yeah right I'm not going to give her name, just know that I was in the fifth or sixth grade. One can imagine that back then I was the shyest kid when it came to the opposite sex and one can argue, now, that not much has changed. My fifth/sixth grade self was made fun of heavily and for the most part that carried on into high school; this isn't a woe is me piece so hang in there for a bit.
All of the cool guys growing up, used to give me pointers on how to talk with girls and IF I were to take a look at said cool guys today, I'm sure I'd find a lot of divorced guys and deadbeats, to say the least. Look those eyes, those were the eyes of innocence and mischievousness too, don't let me lie to you! Those eyes have turned into tired eyes and that lip smile has evolved into more of a toothy grin; I used to hate my teeth, I still do at times (childhood can be cruel).
The first girl I liked, liked me for maybe a week or so before she was stolen away by a kid named Jason who offered her some Now and Later candy and a juice box. The pain of loosing her attention was carried for a few days and then my good ol' dad found out I was liking girls and not focusing on homework and I quickly found out I needed to keep my love life a secret.
Like with any other awkward kid, I had to wait a few more years to ask another girl to go around with me, this time it was during PE and it was a girl named, Denise. You see I'm giving her name because she made me aware of just how much of an ugly duckling I was in the eighth grade. I'd worked myself up to asking her for her hand in recess marriage and she hit me with the coldest line I've EVER received, "Why would I go out with you, the most we'll ever be is friends". What I later heard her say was that I wasn't cute; I'll allow that dejection to sit with all of us for a bit.
I can honestly say, that I've struggled to find the cuteness within the mirror, the stud behind the bow tie, and the prize within the Cracker Jack life box. I've never been one to go out on dates or jump on dating sites, etc., the two women I've dated within my lifetime were between 2008 - 2019. My want isn't to show up in front of someone's house in an expensive car, take them out to an expensive dinner, and have meaningless conversation, my want is to be comfortable with the person who's staring back at me in the mirror.
The reality is one day, I'll find someone so awesome and work up the nerve to ask them, "Hey, do you have feelings for me..." and without hesitation they'll say, "Yes, it's you..." I'll probably blush and eventually tell her that the eighth grade version of me just smiled because I've been waiting to be validated for so long. The funny part is validation starts within us, it just helps when the pretty girl with the nice hair, soft eyes, amazing smirk, and soft voice says, "Yes, it's you..."