2020 has obviously limited so much of my travel; I've outlined the fact, in previous posts, that this was going to be the year of my greatest travel adventures. I'm unsure if Europe would have felt the same this year, IF I had pushed the envelope and truly thrown caution to the wind. There are parts of me which are under development and some that are running nicely, at the this moment in time, and I'm so grateful for them all. My focus has changed and I'm aware that the journey is what I make it so I'm attempting to plant, water, and harvest along the way.
Maybe now is the time to speak of past feelings of rejection and insecurities which I allowed to build over the last decade of my life but then again, I think I'm almost a month away from my 2020 recap. I've been rather patient and quiet about so much, that I'd like to share/get off of my chest just in order to move forward, correctly.
A few people have called me mysterious, others call me Mr. Incognito, and some simply shake their heads and say, "Secrets are always safe with you". In the end, I hope that transparency shines through before I sign off for the year. I won't have anyone to share a kiss with but I will sing a song or two as the clocks strike 12a (I hope I'll be awake).
I've digressed from the road/thought I was on...
On Friday, I set out on a drive that I'd never been on before and that drive led me out of California heading towards the Midwest. The idea of moving is something that has run through my mind for far too long, however, the reality of a move isn't as big of a deal as I've made it out to be, in my head. The thought of the unknown always seems impossible and that causes so many people to remain stagnant; I'm tired of the stagnation.
IF I were a real photographer, I would spend a month and a half driving throughout the country, eating food, drinking whiskey, and capturing pictures. I'm not sure my family would miss me too much, well, my parents would miss me, we have FaceTime so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to leave and still feel connected somehow. Again, if being completely honest, my dad has told me that I should wait until he and my mom are gone before I decide to leave for good; I'm running out of time as I'm sure they'll outlive me when all is said and done.
This trip has been pretty sweet and I've managed to not purchase any shoes during my stopping sprees, I mean stopping points (gas, food, and sleep). I stumbled upon a PS5 and thought about dropping $400 dollars on it and then turning around and selling it for $1,100 but I only had $405 in my pocket and another five hundred miles to go, to my destination. I hope I'm not maturing, this point in life would be a bad point for that to start happening.
The sky has been absolutely breathtaking and I'm finding myself snapping pictures through the windshield, while doing 73mph down the road. As I was pulling through Arizona and jamming past Kingman, AZ, I observed what looked like a million stars in the sky. I found myself looking up at the stars and then back out at the road, all the while wondering how many stars were looking down on me.
Today, I wished for companionship for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time. I've managed to keep my emotions, feelings, in check for the better part of the past year or so however, I've been lonely for longer than I can remember. I wished for someone to say, really look over and say, "Look at this sky, babe, it's beautiful..." and then turn up the radio and start to sing something silly.
I'm not broken, I think I'm at the best point I've been in life, for some time, and it has been a long interesting road. The thing about THE ROAD is that it always leads back home and home is where the heart is, I've been told, well that is unless you're like me and home can be anywhere my heart is.
I had a little John Denver blasting through the speakers and then I looked out and saw a little beauty, a little light, a little rock, and a little ray of hope which was telling me there is so much more to see.
Me: Babe, I don't know what love is since it's so easy to say but I do know that this sky was created for us to see. Maybe love is found within moments like this, I hope we find more moments like this, little patches of love along this road (of life).