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Stand In


All of the pictures and moments which I've had over the last week, bring me here to the water's edge. I can attempt to wax eloquent about the symbolism between water and salvation but I'll save you all the, early, Sunday morning sermon.

Over the course of the last two months or so, I've gone through what might be my biggest battle at the moment, then again my biggest battle for some time now, not just two months, however it's one that can be dealt with by what you're seeing in front of you.

There are times in life when we fall in love with an idea, a place, technology, song, article of clothing, food, smell, or person and those feelings take us fluttering about as if we're a newly hatched butterfly but even butterflies fall from the sky without warning. We so often take our feelings and immediately tell ourselves that this is going to be perfect forever, calm forever.

I'm a mix of immaturity and too much compassion; I don't care, at times for the things which are truly important, and I often time allot too much attention to things which aren't important in the overall scheme of things.

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I haven't been sleeping well during this trip abroad, my 5pm(s) have turned into 5am(s) repeatedly and my internal clock has stopped ticking while the clock on the table continues to move forward. So regularly, I think about time and I think about how much time I'm wasting by not simply committing to the tasks before me.

We live in a world where people post so much about their lives on mechanisms such as Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, or even a blog. I used to be a violator of the Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter codes of posting; I can't tell you how many valuable posts I shared on any of those sites while I was actively using them.

The imagery which I use, much like the words which I share, now, come from my heart. There are times when I battle the content and I find myself simply wanting to yell and curse as opposed to providing a different type of perspective which is uplifting and for the most part lighthearted.

I found myself by the water's edge...

Over the course of the last two years, I've been in a rut when it comes to a certain area in my life. The minutes, turn into hours, which turn into days so quickly and in the end I attempt to trick myself into thinking I'll have enough time to turn certain ships around properly.

To the outside reader, you can sit and scratch your head as to the angle from which I'm writing but to the select few who know me, you know as I stand here looking at the water, I'll either put my feet in or I'll stand and observe the movement of it all.

This morning my chest ached and my breath shortened a bit, I had worked myself up into a frenzy all because certain words couldn't come or wouldn't come to my fingers quickly enough. My struggle is not letting go of things and having those things bubble up and turn into more than they need to be, should be. One of my closest friends has repeatedly said to me, "You like the chaos because if you didn't, you'd change it."

I found myself by the water's edge...

My chest ached for what seemed to be hours yet my head kept saying, "Breathe slowly, you're okay, breeeeathe slowly, you're alright..." Here I am, at 1:53am breathing slowly still and thinking that everything around me is going to be just okay.

Growing up, I rarely had the chance of experiencing nature in the form of what's looking us back in the face, rivers/mountains so now when given the chance to explore, I find myself transfixed on the beauty of it all.

The idea that I'm going to be 40yrs of age within the next few months scares me to end. There are constant thoughts which race through my mind of what have I accomplished, where have I been, what have I done/seen, how have I loved.

I've seen perhaps more than I should have, I've been blessed to have done so much, and given certain limitations, I've accomplished a great deal as well, nonetheless, how I've loved is something which evades me. It's hard to identify how when I look at the mirror and wonder IF I love myself.

We follow and unfollow, we give thumbs and don't give thumbs, we comment and don't comment, we give hearts and retweets but in the end what do we truly provide to each other.

Today, I stood by the water's edge and felt the pain in my ankle increase due to how I was crouched down attempting to catch a picture which in the end will create a story. As I crouched for those few moments, I saw a river which was between myself and a mountain, a mountain which stood there in its majestic brilliance beckoning me to simply draw closer.

How many of us are willing to cross a river, lake, or turmoil to simply stand on the other side and be held by the "mountain" whatever that may be in our lives? Today, I stood by the water's edge, ready to stand in its frigid waters if it meant I could touch the beauty which stood before me.


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