Searching For Peace
I don't know where to begin and with that being stated, I have zero idea of how this will end, this story/life. As I sit and think about all that I've seen, all that I've been a part of over the course of my life, I can't help but think that there's a purpose I'm set to fulfill.
My parents raised me in the church but as time moved forward and as my mind developed, I began to notice that religion, at least what was being presented to US week in and week out wasn't true to what the pages within the Bible laid out for us all. The experiences which I had during my upbringing were ones I look at now and think, "How did I make it so far without knowing the truth?"
IF I were to sit anyone down for an hour and then simply begin to regurgitate what was told to us, what was preached to us, what was asked of us, one would simply shake their head and laugh in disbelief. In all fairness, I sit and laugh in disbelief as I quickly think back to those simpler times and by simpler, I merely mean my mind.
Please allow me to digress to my aforementioned thought as to there being a purpose for my life. The one goal which I attempt to hold the closest is positivity, even when I'm cracking at the core and wanting to jump off of something.
From an early age, I can remember people telling my parents that my sister and me were gifted kids. "There's something special about those two", people would say and I can vividly remember my parents agreeing with the sentiments. My mother in particular would always ask me, actually she still asks me, "How did you have time to learn all this stuff..." I can't tell you, now, when I noticed that I was different, I can't tell you when I stopped talking and simply starting looking at people's body language.
Years ago my main focus was to be the life of the party and then one day the party stopped and I found myself trying to hold onto life. There are few who pay attention to you when the money, partying, and laughter stop. I know this all might seem as bit of a Nemi Downer at the moment but there's a lining, neither silver or gold but just a lining.
I graduated high school in 1994, an immature, untested by life, needy young and I do mean young man. All I had learned up to this point was rhetoric which led me to believe that the bubble which I had grown up in was truly the world which existed.
IF I could truly articulate to you all how lonely I've been for over twenty years, many would say that they could see it, many would say that they could feel it, and many would ask me how I've been able to suppress so much. We all have fights between "good and evil" however, my battle feels greater! I don't ask God why as much as I think how long can I do this song and dance.
It's actually funny how life works, I can't help but imagine what would it be like if I actually tried to be good at something, anything for that matter. The years have been half assed but still successful nonetheless!
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with my father and he alluded to having a sense of displeasure or a lack of what he failed to say but still implied anyway, when pertaining to me, accomplishment. "I sit and wonder what went wrong..."
Nothing is wrong, I think I woke up and began to think for myself a bit, search for answers to questions which were never discussed previously. You see, one day I looked in the mirror and noticed that we're all in a rat race per se, with the only problem being, I'm not a rat and I have no desire to race anyone.
Perhaps the "problem" is I'm not married, I haven't provided my parents with grandkids, I don't have a boring job, and I'm not stuck in a cycle of any kind but the funny part, as of late, is maybe I should be married, working towards a couple of little ones, or establishing a set routine.
This year has been a blur and a blur in the sense that I've seen so much it from behind a camera lens. January 1, 2016 I challenged myself to take a picture every day, write something even if it's something small, every single day, and as the year winds down ever so quickly, I look back and think that through this process, through this commitment, I've been able to find a little peace.
I attempt to remind my father, as much as I attempt to remind myself, that he paved the way through his stories of adventure when he was my age but now it's my time to write my own endings, my own storylines...
My parents raised me in the church, it was where I learned to sing, where I learned to worship, and now I stand in a world, outside the confines of four walls, and I'm learning to sing, learning to be thankful of all I've learned.
Now all I have yet to find is peace; I know it's not too far away from where I sit now...