I find myself struggling at times to truly express how I really feel about certain aspects of my life; there are few secrets about me which I hold near and dear to my heart, outside of that I feel as though I'm an approachable soul.
A few weeks ago if someone would have asked me what I wanted in life, my answer would have probably been the same as the most people on this planet, "I want to be happy." The truth is I'm just wanting to BE. How does one just be you may ask?
We are living in perhaps the greatest time yet known to the human race, there are so many modes of gaining knowledge/information and those modes grow exponentially day by day. The question is how do we move with said changes. The reality is it's easy to become overwhelmed with what is needed to survive if we're constantly trying live up to standards which aren't truly attainable day in and day out.
About two weeks ago or so, I found myself sobbing because an argument I had gotten into with someone (yeah, yeah, yeah, I cry still from time to time). The amount of pressure which I had placed on myself was so great until I realized that it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay not to be happy, it's okay to fail; all three issues I had fought so hard to keep in check.
Do you know how long I've tried to be a perfect son, a perfect employee, a perfect friend? I looked into the mirror and saw that I was beating myself up for a like, for a comment, for acceptance, for, for, for, instead of appreciating the opportunities afforded to me by just being present in a moment, any moment.
There are some people who wake up miserable and fall asleep miserable, those people are stuck within a cycle which they more than likely will never escape. I never want to wake up and think what if when I can make the necessary changes to overcome whatever obstacle(s) are before me. You see, I'm done chasing, I have no want to be followed either however what I do want is to BE.
IF you've paid attention to pictures or some of my other entries, you'll quickly find that I love the idea of travel. The idea of waking up in a different time zone and hearing a different dialect is something that motivates me to chase a stamp or two for my passport. My happiest moments are when I'm abroad and able to communicate with someone in their language, I'm present while attempting to decipher what move to make next, what words/phrases, or facial expression to convey a message; a message of "I'm here with you."
This piece isn't meant to say that I'll never be sad or in the dumps again, it's to say that I know I'm at my best when I'm not attempting to be someone other than myself. For now, I hope gone are the mornings of "I don't want to be here", now my mindset is "What can I do here?"
To those who might be facing gray skies, I challenge you to step out of your feelings for a bit and not give into, "Well this is how I've always been" or "This is just me"... There are people who are actually dying out there in the world, get out of your heads and say things like, "I can change" and "This isn't who I have to be".
"Pain is what teaches us what to pay attention to; if you feel crappy it's because your brain is telling you that there's a problem that's unaddressed or unresolved, negative emotions are a call to action. When you feel them you're supposed to do something." - The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck, by Mark Manson
I dare you to BE present, I dare you to BE special, BE a new you!