Addiction Kills...

Over the course of the last decade, I've sat in front of various screens, expressing far too many of my thoughts and emotions. The life of a budding writer, or in my case, the hobby of someone who wishes he was more of a writer. In these writing exercises, I've learned to start and stop, I've learned to be mysterious, I've learned to run-on and run away from the topics, which in turn leave me never proofreading my posts or as some have pointed out, my emails too

In this world which we live in, the idea of friendship, pure friendship is something which we aspire to find and to have within our lives. At this stage in life, I can still recall my first friend, my first fist fights, my first memories of wonder, my first memories of fright. There are times, I look in the mirror and still see a little child staring back at me, a child who is still battling to close certain wounds, some wounds which may never heal. I've told myself that I'm alright, I've told others the same

Tonight, I hope my words cut deep, I hope that they pierce the hearts of anyone who has ever had to care for the wellbeing of another friend or family member who is struggling with addiction. I wish I could shout out your name, bro, so others could see the pain you've caused to yourself and to me (not to mention a couple other friends)

"We ride together, we die together, Bad Boys for life...." Since 2009, I've ran around with a crew of sorts, and I've always referred to the group as The Four Horsemen, not to be associated with the cowboys in Revelation, Conquest, War, Famine, and Death but perhaps more along the lines of a psychological crew who are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I'm unsure which roles the others would choose but I'll attach one role, Defensiveness to one of the guys

When a friend comes to you in confidence and admits to having addictions, heavy drug addictions, the words and reality of the situation, can sit on you like an enormous weight! I'm unsure if there's a manual that one could read fast enough to prepare them for the journey they're set to embark upon, the highs and the lows, no puns intended

For close to ten years, I've watched from afar and up close the effects of drugs on ones body, mind, and words. Initially, my buddy wanted our little click to keep his addiction away from his mother, given she was so important to him. In an act of grace and mercy, none of us have provided mum or dad with any indication of their son having drug related issues. Maybe, I shouldn't have been so kind and kept the lie

I believe I mentioned earlier that I've ran away from topics, however, tonight I'm running straight towards a target whilst saying, "Fuck it...."

Last Friday, I awoke to a text which set-off a series of events from 4a - 8a. There were a group of people searching for Defensiveness, who informed his girlfriend that he had left town at 8p the night before. The technology we have today, allows one to track the movements of another by simply sharing one's location. This concept is mind altering, especially the ease of it. There's a trust play which comes into this sort of feature as well. The people who have your location will be able to verify where you're at whenever they open an app; some understand the concept and some rather operate in the shadows

Anytime, a text begins with, "Any chance you are awake...." at 1:58a, from a person who rarely texts you, you're left feeling numb as though something has happened or is about to happen. For the next few hours the search was on, for a friend who had disappeared without a trace. My initial thoughts were, that this guy was catching some sleep at a reststop, given the long drive he was to have been attempting to make to his girlfriend's place

The texts, the repeated calls, the fear, and then the sudden realization that something was definitely off. I've spent too much time painting the picture of what was taking place around us; what I will do now is say that there was no death, there was just the simple shock that Defensiveness was back on crack, heroin, or meth. There was no travel from town to his girlfriend's place that was simply a lie he created whilst he stayed home and worked on this high

After hearing that he was "okay, it was in this moment that I noticed that I had been keeping a lie in hopes of protecting a friend, in hopes that he would heal himself somehow, when in all truthfulness, he was placing myself and the other friends, in a carefully orchestrated web of lies, a web that has stretched for years

Now mind you, I left my house at 5:40a to venture to his house to see if anything seemed off. As I pulled up to his house, I had a plethora of emotions floating around my head, one being, how dumb can this guy be, just share your damn location. The garage door slowly began to raise when I noticed his car was sitting there, the other thing which rose was my anxiety due to the realization something was definitely off.

I could use the house key and walk inside to find my buddy dead, or I could simply report back that he never left; I chose the report. The drive back to my house was quiet, I was attempting to process the what if; I walked through the door, walked upstairs, and promptly threw the covers over my head in hopes that I could find an hour of sleep before I had to jet out of town for a business trip

The friends and family who searched for this guy were genuinely concerned for his safety, meanwhile, he was only concerned about his next high. Life is a trip isn't it, I mean the way it works, the ebbs and flows

Addiction kills, if it doesn't kill the person, it kills bonds....

I'm giving a final "Fuck you" to the addiction, the bond, and the person. The sun had to set at some point, why not here, I suppose. Best of luck on your journey